By Jean Gasho | JustJean |
When I came to the UK at the age of 17, for some reason the friends I attracted always gave me mixed feelings about my sexuality. But I attracted these kinds of women because everything was connected to my childhood and what Miriam Matambanadzo did to me. She wanted me to be a lesbian and initiated me from when I was a little girl.
Going back to when I was about 5 or 6 years old, I was molested by an older girl child. This older girl child, who was about 10 or 11 years old at that time used to molest me whilst my own “mother” Miriam would sneak behind and watch.
She watched me being molested, one day I saw her watching me as the girl was molesting me in a white woman’s backyard. Miriam literally followed me as this girl took me by the hand and led me to her secret place. I remember feeling a sense of being followed, then I looked back. I thought I saw her, she must have hidden behind a wall, then I thought it may be in my mind.
After the girl finished, I rushed back home, covered in guilt and shame. I saw Miriam sitting on the veranda, knitting. She asked me, “What were you doing, I saw you”. She wasn’t angry, she was as calm as ever. “That is so naughty Jean.” That’s all she could say.
I will never forget the feeling of shame and confusion. Why would my own mother be so calm, happy even at watching me being sexually abused by another girl?
But she just didn’t watch me being abused, she came to me as I slept.
And I grew up and started to believe that I was somewhat a lesbian, even though I had never been with a woman.
The first woman who made me feel like a I might be a lesbian was a woman called Penny, who today is my own brothers Lloyd’s wife. I am not afraid to tell my truth anymore. These people I called ‘family’ have kept me in bondage all my life.
Well, Penny was my best friend once upon a time. Before she married my older brother. When I brought Lloyd to the UK, he fell in love with my best friend and asked me if he could have her. They both asked me if I was okay with them dating, and I said yes.
But Penny and I had so much history, I used to go to her flat a lot, sleepovers and she used to come and sleep at mine too.
She would talk about nothing but sex. We were both 19 years old when we became best friends, we were at University studying Nursing.
Penny talked about sex a lot. We were both at that stage where we were discovering ourselves sexually. She would ask me if I had ever had an orgasm. At that time I didn’t even know what an orgasm was. It was Penny who described to me what an orgasm was, and I realized I had never had one even though I was already married to my ex-husband.
Penny would tell me that I had the most beautiful bum, and legs. She would ask me to walk in front of her, and shake my bum. She would be so passionate about it, and I would think we were just playing as girls. She would come and stand behind me, as we looked in the mirror. It was then, that I felt really awkward, I knew it was just a matter of who made the first move.
She would also suggest we watch porn together so we would learn about sex and our bodies.
I would ‘freak’ out, because I knew things were about to lead to something deeper, then I would say I am going to bed. Sometimes Penny would say, wait please, let’s watch some porn together. She would become angry and frustrated each time I backed off.
Then I would go back home, and my ex-husband would say things like, “It looks like I have been replaced by Penny. It’s all Penny this, Penny that.” And one day my ex-husband told me that Penny was obsessed with me.
So when I became pregnant, Penny begged me to become my birthing partner.
My ex-husband said no way, he said she just wanted to see my nakedness.
So as my friendship to Penny started bringing tension in my marriage, I started to hold back and told her she could not be my birthing partner.
So Penny started to hate me, I mean really hate me. The love and obsession quickly turned to HATE and resentment.
She had moved to my brother Lloyd, and married him. As my sister-in-law, she made sure she had to make me pay for rejecting her advances. She would tell me all the personal details of her sex life with my brother, which was very inappropriate. She became like my rival. Her jealousy was on another level. She would see me with a hairstyle and not comment or say anything, then the next minute I would see her with the exact hairstyle.
Each time we would visit her at her house in Southampton, she would not wake up in the morning to give us food, she would lock herself in her bedroom till about 1 or 2 pm, and we would literally be starving in her house. It would get so awkward I didn’t know if I had to go in her kitchen to look for food.
She then decided to tell me to stop coming to her house because ‘It was not comfortable’, so we started booking hotels each time we visited her and my brother in Southampton.
Penny knew about the problems I had with Miriam, and she became Miriam’s best friend. In fact Miriam would not stop singing praises of Penny to me. She remains today one of my greatest enemies and Miriam Matambanadzo’s apple of the eye. Yes Miriam Matambanadzo loves Penny as though she was her own daughter, at my expense. It was as though Miriam would send Penny to me to torment me.
I fled to her house and Lloyd’s when Walter Masocha abused me, and during my one month stay at her house, she made my life and that of my three children HELL, before my brother sent me and my children packing to the women’s refuge.
Oh and I remember when Walter Masocha was first arrested when he was charged with sexual assault and spend three days in the police cells in 2014.
I tried to call Lloyd first to break the news to him, but he was at work. So I called Penny and told her that Walter Masocha had been arrested and was in police custody.
Instead of saying “Congratulations Jean.”
She said, “Ok then, will pass the message to Lloyd.” And she cut the line on me.
That was the last time I was on speaking terms with Penny.
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